Tasuki's Radio Show
by Dagas Isa
Summary: Tasuki gets his own love advice radio show. Mayhem ensues. Need I say more?


Tasuki's Radio Show A fan fiction by The Chibi-genius  
  
A chibi-announcer walks over to the mike and begins the ritual disclaimer broadcast. "Watase Yuu created all these characters. Some big corporate types own the rights. Don't sue. Tasuki does not know anyone except for the people he knew before the series started. Everything is false, except what isn't, and technology in ancient China is surprisingly advanced. Some fangirls might find this story offensive. Expressing any anger is perfectly natural; however, I will be very put off if I suddenly find myself attacked by a mob of avenging fan girls. It's a joke. Get over it. Oh, and enjoy the show." She disappears before the long disclaimer fairy knocks her over the head.  
  
It's about eleven o'clock in to Kounan Empire. On Mt. Leikaku, a lone red haired DJ is about to go on the air.  
  
"*Bleep!* The DJ says, " I don't know why the *bleep* I was chosen for this job in the first place. I demand to know who the *bleep* was responsible for this!" The on air sign flashes just as he said that last profanity. He quickly turns to the microphone. "*Bleep,* did anybody just hear that. Oh, well, it doesn't *bleeping* matter."  
  
The red haired DJ continues: "Hello and welcome to 'Love Talk', the fifth most popular AM talk show in the four empires. I am Tasuki, and phone lines are now open, so please call me with you *bleeping* idiotic love problems." Under his breath he mutters, " Who the *bleep* writes this stuff." He takes a deep breath, " We have Kouji on line three. Kouji talk to me."  
  
Kouji, being Kouji, has a phone routine. "Ring-ring," he starts.  
  
"Hello, who is this?" Kouji replies.  
  
"It's Kouji."  
  
What can I do for you, Kouji?"  
  
"Well, my girlfriend thinks I'm a little too self-involved because I talk to myself."  
  
"Ah, well, Kouji, you're not too self-involved. In fact, you sound like a great guy any girl would love to go out with."  
  
"Why thank you. Click," Kouji hangs up.  
  
During all this, Tasuki has starts to yell in the microphone. "This is my *bleeping* radio show, You're supposed to *bleeping* talking to be. And since when do you have a *bleeping* girlfriend." After Kouji hangs up, he mutters, "What a *bleeping* idiot! I can't believe that guy is my friend. Next caller. Who is this?"  
  
A snobby female voice replies, "This is Soi, from Kutou. I think a dancer with bad face paint and a tacky headdress is trying to steal my boyfriend."  
  
"Well, what the *bleep* are you doing talking to me? You should be telling that *bleep* to stay away from your boyfriend. *Bleep,* that's the problem with women. They don't think that there's anything *bleeping* wrong with stealing someone's *bleeping* boyfriend. Men don't go around stealing other people's *bleeping* girlfriends."  
  
"The person who's trying to steal my boyfriend is a man." Soi corrects Tasuki in a voice that shows that she's used to correcting men.  
  
"*Bleep!* I didn't need to know that! So just tell that *bleep* to stay away from your *bleeping* boyfriend!" Tasuki hangs up on her, "Next caller!"  
  
"Hello, my name is Chiriko." The young boy on the other end of the line says.  
  
"Aren't you a little young to be calling a *bleeping* love advice show?"  
  
"That's my problem," The boy genius on the other end of the line says, "I look and sound much younger than I really am. I'm actually a student at Jozen City University in Kounan."  
  
Tasuki spit out the sake he had been drinking. "*Bleep,* you do have a *bleeping* problem! Have you told the girls how *bleeping* old you really are?"  
  
"I haven't told the older girls how old I really am, but I have told girls who are my age. Then they tell me that I'm a kawaii little kid, and that it's funny that I would pretend that I'm a teenager. I'm sick of it."  
  
"Have you *bleeping* told them that you really are a teenager?"  
  
"Yes, but they just laugh at me." Chiriko begins to cry and muffled sobs are heard over the line, and thus were broadcast all over the Kounan Empire.  
  
"*Bleep,* I can't stand crying." He presses the button and hangs up on Chiriko as he pours himself another cup of sake. "Next caller!" Tasuki takes a big gulp of the sake.  
  
"Hello my name is Chichiri. I am a traveling monk, no da..."  
  
"You're a *bleeping* monk, you don't need any *bleeping* love advice!." Tasuki immediately tries to hang up, but Chichiri's magic prevents him from doing it. " What the *bleep* did you do the phone?"  
  
Chichiri doesn't answer Tasuki's question. Instead he says, "It's rude to try and hang up on somebody like that no da."  
  
"So why the *bleep* do you need love advice for?!"  
  
"I don't need any love advice no da. I just want to ask you what your qualifications for this job are no da."  
  
Tasuki slams down his sake cup forcefully. "I have no *bleeping* idea what they are! Are you *bleeping* happy now?" Tired of being sworn at by Tasuki, Chichiri finally hangs up. "Who is the next *bleeping* caller?"  
  
This is Tomo from Kutou, and I would like to respond to Soi." An extremely annoying male voice said.  
  
"I know I'm going to *bleeping* regret this, but go ahead. Tasuki mutters.  
  
A laugh resembling coughing and static electricity combined passes over the line as Tomo speaks. "First my makeup is both more tasteful and cultural than Soi's is. You can hardly see hers, and the statement it makes is befitting for one of her profession. Second, as tacky as she thinks my headdress is, her hair is much worse. That single loop thing she does with her hair is so last season. Third Nakago likes me much more than he likes her. He only sleeps with her to raise his ki. Fourth..."  
  
"I think you got your *bleeping* point across. And also, you might want to get your *bleeping* head out of your *bleeping* *bleep* !" Next caller!"  
  
"This is Hotohori. I have a problem, and I am insisting that you help me. And please refrain from swearing. All that bleeping hurts my beautiful head." He says arrogantly.  
  
"Why the *bleep* should I?" Tasuki downs another cup of sake.  
  
"Because I am only the most elegant emperor that Kounan has ever known."  
  
Tasuki drops his sake cup. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?" Okay what it your problem." He talks slowly and deliberately, trying to watch his language, a skill he is obviously not very good at.  
  
"Well, I am eighteen years old and my counselors want me to marry, only none of the women are as beautiful as I am. Also, I haven't told anybody about this, but I am in love with someone I have never met but have dreamed about. What should I do?"  
  
If this was anyone other than the emperor he would have replied: "Get your *bleeping* head out of the *bleeping* clouds and back into the *bleeping* real world. But since this is the emperor, Tasuki says something different. "Tell those stupid counselors that you aren't going anybody until you find that girl of your dreams.  
  
"But I am the emperor, I must think of my empire."  
  
"Then find yourself a decent looking woman, marry her, and produce enough heirs to satisfy your counselors."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Oh, solve your own *bleeping* problems! Next caller!"  
  
As Tasuki hangs up on Hotohori, the emperor sits on his throne, staring at the phone indignantly. "I am the emperor. Nobody is allowed to hang up on the emperor, especially as one as good looking as I am." He says vainly.  
  
Meanwhile, back at the radio show, Tasuki is dealing with two caller with very similar voices.  
  
"Hello, this is Amiboshi from Kutou. My twin brother Suboshi is also on the line."  
  
"So what is your *bleeping* problem? And it better not have anything to do with that *bleeping* Soi and Tomo debate!" Tasuki yells. His sake bottle is near empty and he isn't allowed to leave the room until the show is over.  
  
"No, our problems have nothing to do with those hentais." Suboshi says. His voice is very similar to his twin's only a little more aggressive sounding and more than slightly less mature. Tasuki however can't tell the difference between the voices.  
  
"Uh... Amiboshi, does your *bleeping* brother speak?" Tasuki asks curiously.  
  
Suboshi ryuuseisuis the phone cord disconnecting him. Luckily, or unluckily for Tasuki, Amiboshi is on a different phone, and Suboshi runs to join him.  
  
Amiboshi is trying desperately to keep the peace. "Sumimasen, but Suboshi did say that last line." "Oh!" exclaims Tasuki, "Why didn't *bleeping* say so in the first place?"  
  
Amiboshi sweatdrops as Suboshi comes to join him. "He ryuuseisui-ed the phone cord." He has just finished this when Suboshi comes and grabs the phone.  
  
"Hello, this is Suboshi. And I would like it if somebody could tell the difference between me and my Aniki and I for once." The aggressive twin is practically yelling into the phone.  
  
This, plus the lack of sake in the studio, was causing Tasuki to get very agitated. "Look, do you have a *bleeping* problem?" If not, get off the *bleep* line!"  
  
"Our problem," begins Amiboshi "is that when ever we double date, girls have a hard time telling us apart."  
  
"Yeah," Suboshi continues, "I hate it when they can't tell the difference between us. Even when we date individually, they still mistake us for the other! I can't even remember the number of girls who thought that I was the one who played the flute as a specialty."  
  
"Wear some *bleep* name tags if you really want people to get your *bleeping* names right. Next caller!"  
  
"Hello. My name is Tamahome, and I am constantly surrounded by attractive women who want to date me." He sounds like he doesn't actually think this was a problem.  
  
"It doesn't *bleeping* sound like you have a problem!"  
  
"Well, actually," Tamahome says casually, "I want money more than women."  
  
Tasuki nods approvingly. "That makes some *bleeping* sense. Why don't you tell those *bleeping* women to get lost?"  
  
"It's not that I mind all the attention, but I wish I could make some money off of it."  
  
"The answer is obvious, even to an idiot like you. What you need to do is . . . (Tasuki's reply to this answer is highly controversial, and I have gotten death threats from all of the Tamahome fans I know if I publish it. Therefore, It won't be typed, but you are more than free to fill in your own blanks from this.) Who is the next *bleeping* idiot caller."  
  
The next caller is a guy not to be insulted. The caller sends a large ki ball over the phone line causing all the equipment to glow blue.  
  
"What the *bleep* are you doing to the radio equipment? Do you have any idea how hard it is to steal good radio stuff when it isn't even supposed to have been invented yet? I had to go all the way to Kutou to get it."  
  
"My name is Nakago," the deep threatening voice says, speaking for the first time. "I control two thirds of the Kutou army and I have a kawaii little blue kokoro symbol that can blow things up." Nakago pauses for a moment then mutters, "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be threatening." He gets back into character. "I'm calling to resolve the Soi-Tomo debate."  
  
"It's about *bleeping* time!" Tasuki yells, relieved that some part of the insanity will finally be over.  
  
"Also, I would like to report that recently some high quality radio equipment of mine has been stolen." He continues.  
  
"It has..." Tasuki sweatdrops, "Oh *bleep,* Uh... gomen Nakago, but I think its time to go to commercial." He hangs up quickly and runs out of the room to get some sake. Then, he realizes something. "I should have asked him to resolve the *bleeping* debate."  
  
Ten minutes later, Tasuki gets up enough courage(& sake) to go back into the studio. He randomly presses a button, praying to Suzaku that it isn't Nakago. "Hello," he says tentatively, almost whining.  
  
"This is Nakago" The voice at the other end of the line says.  
  
Tasuki screams: "*Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-*" He paused for air and then continues "*eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*"  
  
The voice laughs. "You actually fell for that? My, I didn't realize my voice as that deep." Now that he had calmed down somewhat, Tasuki realizes that the voice is clearly that of a woman.  
  
"*Bleeping* woman, why did you do that?"  
  
The caller whines: "I was just joking. Actually, I have a problem."  
  
"*Bleep,* doesn't everybody?"  
  
The caller continues, "My name is Nuriko, and I am a member of the emperor's harem..."  
  
"Ah...and you have a little crush on someone who's already taken. Am I right?" Tasuki laughs for a minute. He is clearly drunk.  
  
"No Nuriko says angrily. She(he) squeezes the phone extremely hard, Tasuki hears a popping sound as the phone breaks in half. Then the line goes quiet. Tasuki doesn't go to another caller, afraid that it might be Nakago.  
  
After a minute, Nuriko speaks again. "I'm sorry, but the phone suddenly broke in half. I have no idea how that could have possible happened. I just squeezed it gently and it just snapped. I guess they don't make phones like they used to. Luckily I was able to get to another phone."  
  
"So what the *bleep* is your problem."  
  
"I am in love with a certain guy at the Kounan Palace, but he doesn't seem to be interested in me or anyone else for that matter."  
  
"Have you considered telling him how you feel, you *bleeping* moron!"  
  
Nuriko sighs. "That's not my only problem. You see, I'm not exactly a woman, and nobody knows about it.  
  
Tasuki practically chokes on his sake. "What?! So you're a man?!" How the *bleep* did you become a member of the emperor's harem?!"  
  
"The counselors just looked for the must beautiful women in Kounan, and I must say I look hot in women's clothing."  
  
"I think you might want to look for some *bleeping* professional help instead of calling a radio talk show. Next caller!"  
  
"Hi, Genrou! This is Eiken! I bet this radio show really attracts a lot of women *heh heh* Could you recommend me to all of the really hot chicks."  
  
Tasuki yells into the microphone. "I may hate women but I'm not going to recommend them to a *bleeping* *bleep* like you. I can't imagine anybody being attracted to you! Next caller!"  
  
"Hello, this is Subaru from Sailo. I've been married for about ninety years now, and I think the spark might be going out of our marriage. My husband is starting to flirt with younger women."  
  
"Obasan, you've been married for ninety *bleeping* years now. Solve your own *bleep* problems." He cuts off Subaru. "How many weird *bleeped* up *bleeping* psychos are going to call tonight."  
  
Coincidentally, as soon as he says that, a straw hat appears on the floor of the studio. Long blue spiky bangs rise from the hat, followed by a perpetually smiling face.  
  
"Who the *bleep* are you, and why the *bleep* are you here?"  
  
"I'm Chichiri, no da. The programmer sent me to replace you, no da."  
  
"What the *bleep*! You can't replace me. This is my radio show, and no one's gonna take it away from me!"  
  
While Tasuki is going on his rampage, Chichiri calmly and efficiently ties Tasuki to a chair.  
  
"Hey! What the *bleep* are you doing to me?!" Tasuki screams, outraged. "Lemme go! Lemme go!"  
  
Chichiri sighs, "It's obvious, no da. I'm tying you up and taking over the radio show, no da.  
  
"What! You can't *bleeping* do that. This is my *bleeping* radio show." Tasuki is trying to struggle free from the chair, but the knot won't give, and his tessen has mysteriously been relocated to the other side of the room.  
  
"I just did," Chichiri says, unusually smug. "Sorry, but I have to do this Tasuki-kun."  
  
"What do you mean you have to do this?!" Tasuki yells infuriated. Without much success, he is trying to get to his tessen. He has no clue how to he's going to use it with his hands tied, but he still wants it in his possession, just in case."  
  
"Simple," Chichiri tries to explain (in small words) to Tasuki exactly what is going on. "There is an angry mob out there, no da. If I don't do something soon, you're not surviving this broadcast, no da."  
  
"Why the *bleep* not?" Tasuki yells, so loudly that everybody within a five mile radius of Mt. Leikaku can hear. "I have powers! I can beat any *bleeping* mob you can throw at me." SD Tasuki is still trying to get free, and still having little success. (He doesn't realize that he's tied to one of those office chairs with the wheels). A thought finally occurs to him. "If there's a mob out there what the *bleep* are you in here tying me up?"  
  
"I'm trying to fix things," Chichri says as he calmly walks over to the microphone. "Nee, everybody, If you've called in to this radio show, don't listen to this guy no da. He's just a young psycho who doesn't know anything about any sort of love relationship whatsoever, no da. I repeat, do not listen to this idiot, no da."  
  
"Who the *bleep* are you calling an idiot?"  
  
Even though Chichiri is trying to stay calm, Tasuki is really starting to get on his nerves. "I'm trying to save you, no da. There's an angry mob with superpowers out there."  
  
Now Tasuki can hear a bunch of voices below although he can only make out one conversation between Kouji and a slightly familiar female voice.  
  
"Come on, let me knock on the door." The woman whines, "Tasuki identifies the voice as Nuriko, the cross dressing guy who was just on the phone a few minutes before. "I'm sure he'll let me in."  
  
Kouji bursts into fits of hysterical laughter. "Genrou? Letting in a woman voluntarily? He _hates_ women."  
  
Nuriko looks closely at Kouji. "Hmm. Not bad. If you ever get bored with him, I'll take you. Or do you only like men?"  
  
Kouji punches Nuriko, "We're not like that!"  
  
A loud thwack fills the air as Nuriko retaliates. Kouji lands in a mud puddle a few hundred feet away. With Kouji busy, Nuriko decides that he gets to knock on the door. He gives the door a gentle tap, which causes the door to fall in.  
  
"Oops. They really should make doors a little more durable don't you think" Nuriko says after giving a fake laugh. The angry mob grows silent as everybody waits for something to happen, then a high pitched child's voice speaks.  
  
"Ahh . . . everybody . . . the door's open." Chiriko sweatdrops and everybody looks at each other.  
  
Tamahome gives a false sounding laugh. "I knew that. Come on, we have a DJ to beat up."  
  
"Wait" yells Hotohori, "Being the drop-dead gorgeous emperor that I am, I will lead us in the seige of this stronghold."  
  
Nobody notices that Nuriko has gone weak in the knees. He sighs, "What a valiant leader you are. And so elegant."  
  
"I know." Hotohori says, not at all vainly, but as if he were simply stating a fact. His voice becomes loud as he gives the command to the angry mob with superpowers. "Charge!"  
  
"I wanted to say charge," wines a crying SD Tamahome. Nobody listens to him, as the are all too busy following the emperor's directions. In fact nobody sees the blue haired seishi and they all run right over him.  
  
Up in the studio, a still tied up (and ticked off) Tasuki is complaining to Chichiri.  
  
"You call that a *bleeping* mob? They *bleeping* knocked on the door! A *bleeping* good mob would just have just barged right in!"  
  
"But they knocked the door down, no da." Chichiri argues logically. "That's what an angry mob does, no da." Speaking into the microphone, Chichiri tries to keep the show going. "Ahh . . . due to technical difficulties, we are unable to take any calls, no da. However, because of these . . . difficulties . . . things will be getting interesting in a couple of minutes, no da. Until then here's a tune by the . . . " He looks down at the CD (Tasuki also has Nakago's CD player and CD collection) "the B52s" "Love Shack" starts playing in the background. After about ten minutes or so, Chichiri turns to Tasuki and asks, "You actually like this, no da?"  
  
"Hey! I thought that if was going all the way to go to Kutou to get good radio equipment, I might as well snatch the guys CD player and CDs while I'm at it. It makes *bleeping* sense!"  
  
What neither of them notices is that, even though "Love Shack" is playing, Tasuki's last incriminating statement did make it on the air and Nakago, who may or may not be in the angry mob has somehow heard that statement.  
  
Nakago also somehow manages to hear Tasuki's next comment. "It's not as bad as some of the other *bleep* this idiot listens to. Just look at these: The *bleeping* Macarena, The Village People, The Spice Girls. I can't believe anybody would listen to *bleep* like this."  
  
"Umm . . . Tasuki-kun . . . isn't the guy you stole the equipment from a super-powerful shogun, no da?"  
  
"So why the *bleep* is that significant?" As slow as Tasuki may be, sometimes he does eventually figure things out. "*bleep* I really *bleeped* up that one."  
  
"Yes," someone other than Chichiri agrees. This somebody is a tall, menacing man with blond hair and a kowai blue kokoro symbol on the center of his forehead. "I was going to let you live, but now I might just change my mind. No one insults my taste in music. Got that, no one."  
  
"And what the *bleep* are you going to do about it?"  
  
As Nakago is about to answer, the door opens and the angry seishi mob runs in their symbols glowing. Nakago is immediately glomped by a red haired woman and a man with weird face paint and a really, really ugly headdress. This is obviously not calming Nakago down any. In fact, Nakago is getting more agitated. They finally do get the hint though and reluctantly back away.  
  
"Hello, everybody!" "Love Shack" has stopped playing and Chichiri is back on the microphone. "Well, as promised, we are back and things have gotten interesting, no da."  
  
"What the *bleep* do you mean things have gotten interesting!" Tasuki, still tied up, yells. He has, however, finally discovered his chair has wheels on it, and manages to get over to his tessen. "They're *bleeping* scary!" Unable to free his hands, he strains his neck to reach the tessen with his mouth. Luckily he succeeds. Holding his tessen in his mouth, he tries to yell "Lekka shinen," but all that comes out is a distorted mumble.  
  
It is a previously unknown and unmentioned fact that the tessen is actually an intelligent enchanted fan, and it does like to play practical jokes occasionally. It chooses this time to play one such joke.  
  
Instead of flames, the tessen spews out wave after wave of water, drenching its owner like a rat and almost drowning him. Tasuki immediately drops it "*Bleep* Tonight is not my night, is it?"  
  
"I don't think so, no da." The monk is just a little too cheerful when he said it. Cheerful enough for Tasuki to take offense.  
  
"What the *bleep* are you so happy about?" he asks Chichiri. He is going to flame them but his fan still may have wanted to play tricks (and his tessen has fallen into his lap, so he doesn't exactly want to get burned right now).  
  
It is at this time that Suzaku looks down at the scene and takes pity on his poor seishi and causes the ropes to break. As soon as he realizes he's free (which takes a while), Tasuki stands up and faces the mob his tessen at the ready.  
  
"Get out of the studio, or prepare to be deep-fried." Tasuki swings his tessen in an arc, "Lek-"  
  
Nakago stops Tasuki before he can finish the incantation. "Stop." He commanded.  
  
"There is no way in *bleep* I'm going to stop. Lekka Shinen!"  
  
Nothing happens. Nakago stands by smirking while Tasuki gives his tessen a rather nasty glare. "Why the *bleep* can't you just do what I tell you to do?"  
  
The tessen, as intelligent as it may be cannot talk and as such is unable to give Tasuki a satisfactory answer.  
  
"All right." Nakago looks at the assembled crowd and rubs his hands together rather sinisterly. "Now that all of you are rendered powerless, I am in charge. Resistance is futile." His eyes scan for his next victim. Resting his eyes on Soi, then Tomo he realizes that they will do for now.  
  
"Soi, Tomo, come here," Nakago commands.  
  
"Yes," Both of them say in unison giving Nakago the exact love sick look, complete with the 'bambi eyes' They come close to the object of their adoration, to the point of invading his personal space.  
  
"I understand that you have an ongoing debate as to the person I'm most in love with." Nakago says. Tomo and Soi nod eagerly and draw even closer. "well, I believe I will disclose that information right now. It is so hard to decide between you, so I have devised a challenge for you. Whoever wins is the object of my affection."  
  
"Really?" Tomo asks.  
  
"Honestly?" Soi adds. Nakago nods.  
  
"We'll do it." They both say quickly.  
  
"So be it. I want you both to kiss each other for thirty seconds. The winner is the one who puts on the best act."  
  
Soi and Tomo look at each other with revulsion, each of them turning slightly green at the prospect of kissing the other.  
  
"Do we really have to?" Soi manages to finally squeak.  
  
Nakago nods. Each taking a deep breath, they walk towards one another. They loosely embrace, trying to prevent themselves from getting too many cooties. Slowly, as if they were trying to eat a grub on a reality TV show, they press their lips together.  
  
"What kind of kiss is that?" Nakago asks, "I want to see some passion there." His brave adorers continue on actually putting their tongues in the other's mouth. Nakago, satisfied, starts a stopwatch.  
  
One thought is running through the mind of all the other people gathered here right now. Namely, "That is just wrong, wrong, wrong (add a few bleeps to get Tasuki's thoughts on this matter), and yet, I can't look away." Chiriko is the only one who manages to hide his head from the scene. The rest of the seishi are watching in grim fascination until Nakago mercifully calls for Soi and Tomo to stop.  
  
Soi and Tomo pull back as soon as they hear the signal. Immediately, they both start spitting and wiping their hands of any cooties they might have gotten. "Mouthwash," Soi chokes out.  
  
"I want a bath." Tomo says, "and fumigate my clothing while you're at."  
  
"That was pathetic," Nakago says, "I suppose it's fitting that I tell you the truth. Honestly, I'm not in love with either of you. I'm just not the romantic type. Now, if one of those bouncy blonde teeny-bop idols were to come along . . . then I might just consider it."  
  
Soi and Tomo look thoughtful at that last part.  
  
Nakago searches through the crowd looking for the next victim when the station's head of programming (Taiitsukun) and her assistants (the Nyan- nyans) walk in.  
  
"Excuse me," Taiitsukun says in her old lady voice, "would you please leave. Someone is waiting to use the studio."  
  
"What?" Tasuki asks "There is no *bleeping* way I'm leaving this studio until I get control back of this show. Hear that?" He shouts into the microphone, "I am not leaving this studio until I have some *bleeping* control of this show."  
  
Nakago adds to his protest, "I don't want to leave the studio," he says as if that is the be all end all command.  
  
"Shut up!" Taiitsukun yells. "I'm more powerful than any of you."  
  
"You're also a *bleep* of a lot uglier than us." Tasuki says.  
  
Hotohori and Nuriko shudder, "Take it away," Hotohori says, "my beautiful eyes cannot stand such an ugly sight."  
  
Suddenly, the three are all suddenly seeing little stars floating around their head and there are three people sized holes imprinted in the wall of the studio. The Nyan-nyans, walk over to the slightly dazed trio. "We fix, we heal," the chant as they start taking away those nasty head injuries.  
  
"We fix your swearing," one Nyan-nyan says to Tasuki.  
  
"We fix your perversion," another Nyan-nyan says to Nuriko. This one finds herself flying through the roof and landing in the same mud puddle as Kouji.  
  
"We fix your . . . " a third Nyan-nyan starts, as she looks over Hotohori. Turning to Taiitsukun, she whines, "Taiitsukun, there's nothing to fix . . . he's too perfect." Hotohori smiles proudly at the little girl.  
  
"You have much wisdom despite your youthful appearance," he says. Everybody except Hotohori sweatdrops.  
  
"Excuse me," Taiitsukun says interrupting the little party. "There really is someone waiting to start his show."  
  
"Hey! Wait a second," Suboshi says, "my aniki and I haven't even gotten a chance to talk yet! We're a part of this mob too." His yo-yos of death start rising through psychokinesis.  
  
"Suboshi," Amiboshi says, "It's not worth it." Casually, the older twin walks over to the microphone. "Is this still on. "Hi, everybody, this is Amiboshi. I'd like to give a shot out to all my Suzaku Lovers in Kutou Anonymous buddies. Also, I have my flute here and would be happy to take any requests."  
  
Suboshi crowds in on the microphone, "If anybody out there is hot, blond, wearing a school uniform from another world, and is destined to take over the position of Seiryuu no Miko, please call me at 555-4179."  
  
Taiitsukun pushes the twins out of the way. "Happy now?" she asks. Unable to resist the temptation of the microphone herself she adds, "Hi mom," before she returns to her mission of getting everybody out of the studio.  
  
Her effort is suddenly assisted by Mitsukake walking into the studio. Silent as always he only says, "I'll dress in drag. And sing."  
  
At that everybody runs out of the studio, including all the Nyan-nyans, Taiitsukun, and Nakago.  
  
"Scary na no da!" Chichiri yells as he flees.  
  
"That is *bleeping* wrong!" Tasuki yells as he does the same thing as everyone else.  
  
"That's worse than kissing him," Soi says as she points to Tomo.  
  
"Likewise."  
  
In the space of a few moments, the studio is deserted except for Mitsukake, who sits down in the seat previously occupied by Tasuki. He shuffles his papers and starts speaking. "Hello, and welcome to the Left Hander's Club of the Shi Jin Ten Chi Sho. I'm Mitsukake and . . ." His voice drowns out as the chibi-announcer from before returns to the mike.  
  
She throws down her club, and starts her announcements. "Translation of the Japanese used in this story: Kawaii = Cute, Hentai = Pervert, Kowai = Scary, Obasan = Old lady. Tasuki's bleeping has been toned down from the original for sanity's sake. Remember, everything in the last segment is false except for what happens to be true. Tasuki ga daisuki (I love Tasuki)! Well, that's it folks. Mitsukake will continue his show when he regains consciouness. Until then, enjoy these cool tunes. And as they say in the last episode of Gundam Wing: Owari" ^_^  
  
Fushigi Yuugi music plays in the background. 


End file.
